Ash Marie and Jennifer Wagenmaker are Wednesday Winners of The Beautiful Wife!
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and Sharon Slone are Tuesday’s winners of The Beautiful Wife. Please contact info@beautifulwomanhood.com with your address and we’ll mail you a copy of The Beautiful Wife: Focused on God, Fulfilled in Marriage!! Congratulations Beautiful Women! Announcing Monday’s winners of The Beautiful Wife… Jessica Einhorn LaLonde and Melanie Chalut Please contact info@beautifulwomanhood.com with your mailing ADDRESS so we can send you your free copy! Stay tuned tomorrow for Tuesday’s winners! Congratulations!!
Many of us don’t realize when our communication with others is passive aggressive. Do you use undercover means to get your way, to get even, and to express what you are not willing to say in a straightforward manner? A passive-aggressive woman makes jokes or snide remarks to draw her husband into conversation about his behavior. Passive-aggressive women PROCRASTINATE, FORGET, and DAWDLE in order to convey displeasure without saying why. Do you POUT and then deny that anything is bothering you? If so, you struggle with passive aggressive tendencies. This behavior is not honest.
Do you ever make jokes or snide remarks about something that‘s bothering you concerning your husband? You may say, -My husband hasn’t seen a 36-inch waist in years, or ―He wouldn‘t stop and ask directions to save his life. I see many women resort to this instead of assertively discussing their concern for his health or the importance of arriving on time.
Do you convey displeasure through convenient forgetfulness? During the difficult years of our marriage, Tom would ask me to do things for him, and when I was angry about something he’d done, I’d forget to do the requested task. It was easier to be dishonest rather than confront Tom with my feelings. Interestingly, the message he heard was that he wasn’t important to me because I frequently forgot what was important to him. The message I wanted him to hear was I was hurt.
The passive-aggressive woman uses the SILENT TREATMENT. She punishes her husband by ignoring his existence without telling him why. It is far easier to punish him indirectly than to confront him honestly.When I was hurt by my husband, I often used the silent treatment to send a signal to Tom that I was in emotional pain. My plan was for him to see my pain, be moved by it, and act to heal me. As I reflect back, I find it laughable that I thought silence was effectively communicating my heart to Tom. In reality, the silent treatment shuts down all communication. How does passive-aggressive behavior affect your husband? It confuses him. He wonders what he’s done that has upset you. He senses your displeasure but can’t make sense of it, much less ―fix it. All he has to work with are dishonest or unclear messages, rather than clear explanations. You must speak TRUTHFULLY with your husband in order to be understood and enjoy OPEN communication.
What words do you use to describe your husband? Thoughtful, helpful, and reliable or stubborn, sloppy, and disconnected? Though it’s tempting to blurt out derogatory adjectives describing your hubby when you’re frustrated, is it wise?
The words you speak concerning your husband produce results or fruit—either good or bad, depending on the words you choose to speak. If you’re swallowing a lot of sour words, they’re causing you and your husband relational indigestion. Have you ever considered that changing your negative speech patterns to positive would produce more UNITY and INTIMACY in your marriage? God’s Word always proves true, so give it a try! In January, my church participated in a nationwide 21 day fast. During the fast, we were encouraged to spend time in prayer when we would have normally eaten. The purpose of fasting is to put away distractions and focus on God and what He is saying to you so you can obey Him and experience better results in your relationship with God and others. In one particular time of prayer, I sensed God asking me to refrain from speaking negatively about one person in particular. It’s been difficult, but as I’ve begun reversing this negative trend, my feelings toward this person are improving! What words are you speaking about your husband to friends or co-workers? Could your language be giving them permission to speak about their husband’s in the same way—thus producing negative results in their marriage? How do you reverse this trend? Think of the POSITIVE qualities that first attracted you to your husband. Record them in a prayer journal (I offer prompts to do this in The Beautiful Wife Prayer Journal). Add to them as you think of new attributes you appreciate. Speak these aloud to your husband.
Watch positive results begin to BUD and BLOOM. Say them aloud to others with your husband in the room. Watch him stand TALLER with each word spoken. Sometimes, you are your own worst enemy in the fight to enjoy a more fulfilled relationship with your husband. Don’t let your tongue run wild. Tame it and say good-bye to relational indigestion! When was the last time you spoke positive words about your husband?
In a study conducted by AmericanValues.org, 46 % of divorced people reported that they wished that they and their ex-spouse had tried harder to work through their differences. Although some women should leave a marriage, especially those characterized by physical abuse, many others can avoid regret by making better choices. I write about these choices in my new book, The Beautiful Wife.
Because MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK, many women mistakenly believe that working harder is the answer to their marital struggles, but this thought contradicts the Bible which says,
So how can this portion of Scripture play out in your marriage?
Rather than working hard, work smart!God’s laid out a successful plan for wives to follow in Titus 2:3-5 and I’ve applied that plan to 12 topics relevant to every marriage in The Beautiful Wife.
It’s the same plan I followed over 20 years ago that transformed my life and then my marriage.
A beautiful wife humbles herself by turning to God—realizing her efforts won’t be enough to grow her marriage. This place of surrender is the location in which Christ’s strength will be made perfect in your weakness.
A beautiful wife focuses less on her husband’s behavior and more on HER role within the relationship. In other words, she is teachable. She is willing to be changed in the light of God’s Word rather than attempting to change her husband.
A beautiful wife is transparent, honest and willing to make herself accountable to other women desiring growth in their own lives. Using this marriage strengthening plan as the lens through which you look at your marriage, The Beautiful Wife discusses every major challenge a wife may face, from romance and money to beauty, communication, and sex. You’ll learn how to grow in inner-confidence and receive guidance on how to handle tough marriage issues with strength and dignity. I’m not handing out any recipes in this book. My marriage is different from yours and yours is different from your friends’, so pat answers won’t work. That’s the beauty of God’s plan. Through the help of God’s word and mentors, you’ll discover what God is saying to you regarding your role in your specific marriage. Regardless of your husband’s choices, you will grow in STRENGTH and DIGNITY with no regret when you make better choices—and that’s…beautiful.
Hebrews 12:2 unveils an effective strength-building regimen that will cause you to endure under even the most excruciating circumstances.
What added baggage do you carry that drains away your strength? If you’re at a loss as to the weights you carry, think about a troubling circumstance that may be occupying your mind right now or may have in the recent past. These provide clues to the potential strength-sapping weights Hebrews is describing. Let me explain. Last week I received sad news from friends about a difficult situation they were going through. I felt compassion for them. As a result of this information, I experienced disappointment and a need to alter my schedule. As I ruminated further, a growing frustration and mild despair began to take hold of me both personally and professionally. Huh? What’s up with that? Why would I personalize something which had nothing to do with me? Good Question! Further investigation was needed to expose the weight that was hindering my progress. I began asking God about it and it wasn’t long before I heard His still small voice instructing me as I prayed, listened, and read His Word. Now it’s up to me to obey His instruction and as I do, I’ll watch the weight melt away (Couldn’t resist this great pun for January!).
Along with losing the weight, it’s critical to watch what Jesus did in difficult circumstances. Keep your eyes on what He did to run His race all the way to the cross (that was His goal) in order to endure the unimaginable- a shameful, painful death on a wooden cross (think Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ). What was he thinking about? HEAVEN!
The next line tells us what happened “afterward”
Why would thoughts of Heaven motivate Jesus to endure with strength? If you base your ideas about heaven on some of the prevailing thoughts of the day (clouds, harps, etc.), you wouldn’t receive enough motivation to endure a brush-off let alone a crucifixion. But that’s because we haven’t studied God’s word about the place many of us call our eternal home. It’s strange, really, that so many Christians don’t know much about the place where we’ll spend eternity. Consider Randy Alcorn’s words in his book, Heaven. Let them whet your apetite to know more…
I appreciate Randy’s exhaustive study of Scripture together with his God-given imagination that paints a picture of Heaven for us. There is something so magnificent about Heaven that just thinking about it will give you the strength you need to endure anything. Anything. It might be time to do a little personal investigation of your next home. So if you’re in need of more strength to run your life-race with endurance, write the following words on your mirror or refrigerator: Lose the Weights, Watch Jesus, and Think about Heaven. And run beautiful woman, run! Are you running your life-race strong? My husband was unhappy in his job, two of my grown children were making poor choices, my mother-in-law was showing signs of Alzheimer’s, extended-family issues were surfacing, and I was writing a book. Things only got worse. Much worse. Early in 2007, I was asked to represent the mentoring ministry for wives I founded, Beautiful Womanhood, and lead a women’s conference in Uganda, Africa. My husband wasn’t sure if traveling to Africa was a good idea, so we committed it to prayer. While we were listening for an answer, I sensed God asking me to fast from spending, except for groceries, for thirty days. Sometimes you know that you’ve heard God’s voice because you’d never have come up with those words on your own. This was one of those times. I’d never heard of a fast from spending. Tom needed no convincing that a fast from spending came directly from the mouth of God. He still gets excited just thinking about it! During the fast, it became clear I had used spending as a way to gain a comfort fix. When I was spending money, I felt carefree and lighthearted. Instead of dwelling on the unpleasantness in my life, I was thinking of my purchases and how they would bring me pleasure. Not until I stopped spending did I realize how short-lived the fix really was. During the fast, when I felt the urge to spend—to anesthetize my pain—I pictured myself running into the arms of Jesus, the Great Comforter. Oh, what comfort I received! One night, I told good friends my experience of gaining comfort through the power of the Holy Spirit rather than money. I exclaimed that I had never felt so comforted. One friend then told us about a dream he’d had shortly after hearing about the invitation from Uganda. After the dream, he had awoken and recorded the following thoughts:
Then these verses came to my friend’s mind:
When my friend was finished sharing, everyone in the room broke down in tears, praising God for His work in my life. I’d learned to listen and God had spoken. I’d obeyed, and He’d acted. When He acted, I was changed. Needless to say, I packed my bags and experienced some of the best days of my life in Uganda—offering God’s comfort to His troubled women. *** Sandy and her husband Tom have been married since 1980 and live near Grand Rapids, Michigan. They have three adult children and a growing number of grandchildren. When not writing and speaking, Sandy enjoys shopping at yard sales for vintage clothing, cooking, travelling, and drinking really good coffee (black is best) with her husband. For more information, contact Sandy at sandy@beautifulwomanhood.com. Subscribe to Sandy’s blog at www.beautifulwomanhood.com/blog. Find Sandy on Facebook at Beautiful Womanhood. Follow Sandy on Twitter @MentoringWives.
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Here’s another Pearl Girls 12 Days of Christmas Blog! Advent By Sibella Giorello We all know where that woman in the white is going but somehow waiting for her to arrive at the altar is an essential part of the ceremony. In fact, the waiting is so essential that even cheapskate Vegas chapels include wedding marches. Why? Because the wait adds meaning to the moment. At Christmas time, we tend to forget this essential truth about anticipation. We’re lost to shopping malls and checklists, rushing toward December 25th so quickly that we forget the quiet joy of the month’s other 24 days — and then we wonder why we feel so empty on the 26th, amid ribbons and wrapping paper and our best intentions. Because the wait adds meaning to the moment. And that is why Advent is so important to Christmas. I’m as guilty as the next harried person. This Advent was particularly tricky because just six hours before it started, I was still trying to finish a 110,000-word novel that was written over the course of the year — written while homeschooling my kids, keeping my hubby happy, and generally making sure the house didn’t fall down around us. It’s an understatement to say my free time is limited. But waiting adds meaning, and Advent is crucial to Christmas, so I’ve devised several Advent traditions that are simple, powerful and easy to keep even amid the seasonal rush. When my kids outgrew the simple Advent calendars around age 7, I stole an idea from my writer friend Shelly Ngo (as T.S. Eliot said, “Mediocre writers borrow. Great writers steal.” Indulge me.) Here’s how it goes: Find 24 great Christmas books, wrap them individually and place then under the tree. On the first day of Advent, take turns picking which book to open. When we did this, we would cuddle under a blanket and read aloud — oh, the wonder, the magic! We savored “The Polar Express,” howled with “How Murray Saved Christmas,” and fell silent at the end of “The Tale of The Three Trees” (note: some of the picture books I chose were not explicitly about Christmas but they always echoed the message that Jesus came to earth to save us from ourselves and to love us beyond our wildest imagination. In that category, Angela Hunt’s retelling of The Three Trees definitely hits the Yuletide bull’s eye). This Advent tradition lasted for about five years. It gave us rich daily discussions about the season’s real meaning, without being religious or legalistic, and it increased family couch time. But like the lift-the-flap calendars, my kids outgrew the picture books. Because the wait adds meaning, and Advent is crucial, I prayed for another way to celebrate anticipation of Christmas. By the grace of God, last year I found an enormous Advent calendar on clearance at Pottery Barn. Made of burlap, it has large pockets big enough to hold some serious bounty. But my husband and I didn’t want the kids focusing only on the materialist stuff for Advent — we already fight that on Christmas day. We decided to fill the daily pockets with simple necessities and small gift cards. We also printed out the nativity story from Luke 2:1-21 in a large-sized font and cut each verse out. From Day 1 to Day 21, there is one verse to read aloud. The kids memorize it, then get to open their present (again, on alternating days for each person). Then we tape the verse to the wall in order. By Day 22, all the verses are on the wall, in order, and the kids now try to recite the entire nativity story from memory. That’s not as difficult as it sounds because they’ve been memorizing one verse each day. Still, the entire recitation — verbatim — usually requires Day 23 and Day 24. Whoever does memorize the entire thing — without mistakes — earns a bonus gift of $25. Does that sounds extravagant? It is. Because we want our kids to understand that God came down and humbled himself and taught us about love right before He suffered and died on behalf of the undeserving — which is every one of us. “That’s” extravagant. And in the waiting, we find even more meaning. *** Sibella Giorello writes the Raleigh Harmon mystery series which won the Christy Award with its first book “The Stones Cry Out.” She lives in Washington state with her husband and children, and often wishes there were 36 hours in a day.
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Welcome to the 12 Pearls of Christmas! You’ll appreciate Suzanne’s story about creating margins in your life. So grab a warm cup of whatever makes you smile, sit back, and have a good read!
Don’t forget about the Pearl Girls Give-away! Fill out this simple {form} and enter for a chance to win a beautiful pearl necklace and earring set ($450 value). Contest runs 12/14 – 12/25 and the winner will on 1/1. Contest is only open to US and Canadian residents. You may enter once per day. If you are unfamiliar with Pearl Girls, please visit www.pearlgirls.info and see what we’re all about. In short, we exist to support the work of charities that help women and children in the US and around the globe. Consider purchasing a copy of Pearl Girls: Encountering Grit, Experiencing Grace or one of the Pearl Girls products (all GREAT gifts!) to help support Pearl Girls. *** A Christmas of Kindness By Suzanne Woods Fisher “You can give without loving, but you can’t love without giving.” Amish proverb I do it every year. I plan for a simpler, less stressful Christmas season and, every year, by Christmas Eve I’m exhausted! After our delicious and very-time-consuming-to-make traditional Swedish meal to honor my husband¹s relatives (think: Vikings), it’s time to head to church. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but the last few Christmas Eve’s, I have sent my husband and kids head off without me. The pull to spend an hour of quiet in the house feels as strong as a magnet. It’s odd. My children are young adults now. Wouldn’t you think that Christmas would be simpler? Instead, it’s just the opposite. Juggling schedules to share the grandbaby with the in-laws, trying to include our elderly parents at the best time of day for them, dancing carefully around recently divorced family members whose children are impacted by the shards of broken relationships. The thing is: you can simplify your to-do list, but you can’t really simplify people. We are just a complicated bunch. Here’s where I borrow a lesson about simplicity from the Amish. It’s easy to get distracted with the buggies and the bonnets and the beards, but there’s so much more to learn from these gentle people if you’re willing to look a little deeper. Yes, they live with less “stuff” and that does make for a simpler, less cluttered life. But it’s the reason behind it that is so compelling to me: they seek to create margin in their life. Not just empty space but space that is available to nourish family, community, and faith. Their Christmas is far less elaborate than yours or mine, but what they do fill it with is oh so right. Christmas comes quietly on an Amish farmhouse. There is no outward sign of the holiday as we know it: no bright decorations, no big tree in the living room corner. A few modest gifts are waiting for children at their breakfast place settings, covered by a dishtowel. Waiting first for Dad to read the story of Christ’s birth from the book of Luke. Waiting until after a special breakfast has been enjoyed. Waiting until Mom and Dad give the signal that the time has come for gifts. Later, if Christmas doesn’t fall on a Sunday, extended family and friends will gather for another big meal. If time and weather permits, the late afternoon will be filled with ice skating or sledding. And more food! Always, always an abundance of good food. Faith, family, and community. That is the focus of an Amish Christmas. And it’s also how the story begins for A Lancaster County Christmas, as a young family prepares for Christmas. A winter storm blows a non-Amish couple, Jaime and C.J. Fitzpatrick, off-course and into the Riehl farmhouse. An unlikely and tentative friendship develops, until the one thing Mattie and Sol hold most dear disappears and then. Ah, but you¹ll just have to read the story to find out what happens next. Without giving anything away, I will say that I want to create a Mattie-inspired margin this Christmas season. Mattie knew inconveniences and interruptions that come in the form of people (big ones and little ones!) are ordained by God. And blessed by God. Creating margin probably means that I won’t get Christmas cards out until the end of January, and my house won’t be uber-decorated. After all, something has to give. But it will mean I make time for a leisurely visit with my dad at his Alzheimer’s facility. And time to volunteer in the church nursery for a holiday-crowded event. And time to invite a new neighbor over for coffee. Hopefully, it will mean that my energy won’t get diverted by a frantic, self-imposed agenda. Only by God’s agenda, the essence of true simplicity. And that includes taking time to worship Christ’s coming at the Christmas Eve service. You can hold me accountable! This year, I will be there. *** Suzanne Woods Fisher is the bestselling author of The Choice, The Waiting, The Search, and The Keeper, as well as nonfiction books about the Amish, including Amish Peace. Her interest in the Anabaptist cultures can be directly traced to her grandfather, W. D. Benedict, who was raised in the Old Order German Baptist Brethren Church in Franklin County, Pennsylvania. Suzanne is a Christy Award nominee and is the host of an internet radio show called Amish Wisdom and her work has appeared in many magazines. She lives in California. www.suzannewoodsfisher.com. |
Meet Sandy
Sandy Ralya is a dynamic speaker and critically-acclaimed author of The Beautiful Wife mentoring curriculum. She is also the founder and director of Beautiful Womanhood-- a ministry which equips mentors, encourages wives, and builds community among women. 
NEW BOOK
Sandy's new book, The Beautiful Wife: Focused on Christ, Fulfilled in Marriage is on sale now! You can also buy the The Beautiful Wife Prayer Journal and The Beautiful Wife Mentor's Guide.
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