Many of us don’t realize when our communication with others is passive aggressive. Do you use undercover means to get your way, to get even, and to express what you are not willing to say in a straightforward manner?
A passive-aggressive woman makes jokes or snide remarks to draw her husband into conversation about his behavior. Passive-aggressive women PROCRASTINATE, FORGET, and DAWDLE in order to convey displeasure without saying why. Do you POUT and then deny that anything is bothering you? If so, you struggle with passive aggressive tendencies. This behavior is not honest.
Do you ever make jokes or snide remarks about something that‘s bothering you concerning your husband? You may say, -My husband hasn’t seen a 36-inch waist in years, or ―He wouldn‘t stop and ask directions to save his life. I see many women resort to this instead of assertively discussing their concern for his health or the importance of arriving on time.
Do you convey displeasure through convenient forgetfulness?
During the difficult years of our marriage, Tom would ask me to do things for him, and when I was angry about something he’d done, I’d forget to do the requested task. It was easier to be dishonest rather than confront Tom with my feelings. Interestingly, the message he heard was that he wasn’t important to me because I frequently forgot what was important to him. The message I wanted him to hear was I was hurt.
The passive-aggressive woman uses the SILENT TREATMENT. She punishes her husband by ignoring his existence without telling him why. It is far easier to punish him indirectly than to confront him honestly.
When I was hurt by my husband, I often used the silent treatment to send a signal to Tom that I was in emotional pain. My plan was for him to see my pain, be moved by it, and act to heal me. As I reflect back, I find it laughable that I thought silence was effectively communicating my heart to Tom. In reality, the silent treatment shuts down all communication.
How does passive-aggressive behavior affect your husband? It confuses him. He wonders what he’s done that has upset you. He senses your displeasure but can’t make sense of it, much less ―fix it. All he has to work with are dishonest or unclear messages, rather than clear explanations. You must speak TRUTHFULLY with your husband in order to be understood and enjoy OPEN communication.
Sandy this is really, really good. I would love to post this to my page, of course with your site information attached. This behavior can be so subtle that it can almost seem normal especially when it has been practiced for so many years. Clearly, we can see that this is not of God and is a form of manipulation.
Thanks Sandy for your transparency and truths of God’s word for wives. I love it.
You may post this to your page Doretha! You’re right, passive-aggresive behavior can be very subtle. We need the Holy Spirit’s help to reveal this tendency.
Thanks for your encouragement!!
Wow…I am so thankful to God for this truth. I was so down in the dumps and in complete despair until I came across this article. I have struggled with passive-aggressive behavior for many years(15 married). I did not realize that I was being deceptive and dishonest. Today was my turning point for deliverance, healing and restoration.
Peace and Blessings to you!
Charlotte
Charlotte, please know that I will be praying for you as you adopt new habits in communication. I’m cheering for you!
Hi Sandy,
The Holy Spirit sent me back to this page today. My husband and I are going through a tough decison making process in this season in our marriage. We’re in the process of finding a new church. It’s been a 2 year process. Even though we’ve visitied quite a few during this time,I think the process is starting to “get to me.” I have seen many ministry opportunites for us to be used by God in our gifting. Of course, we not on the same page. (smile). We had such a “not so nice” discussion about it last evening. As I sat before the Lord this am to sort all of this out the Holy Spirit reminded me of this article and led me back her to read it and meditate on it again. Guess what? I saw some of my passive-aggresive behaviors in it. I guess I would call them coping mechanisms. Nevertheless, they’re forms of manipulation and theye’re sinful on both our parts. I have repeneted of these behaviors and thank God for his forgivenss. I said all of this to say, please don’t take this article down yet.(lol) So many are being blessed by it as I have shared it. Thank you.
Doretha, it takes a humble and confident woman to admit, repent, and move away from passive-aggressiveness. Isn’t it irritating when you often find yourself on the opposite side of a discussion with your husband? I guess that’s what God means in Proverbs 27:17. “As iron sharpens iron, so will one man (or woman) sharpens another.”
You’re being sharpened to penetrate all the good plans God has for you! I appreciate your honesty Doretha! You encourage me! Let me know where you land. I love to come speak at your church: )
I am looking for someone to help me make sense of my marriage. I am a christian woman, married to a muslim man. I also belive my husband is PA. When I try to explain the reason for my unhapiness or even understand them myself, it almost sounds silly. I really never know where I stand. One minute he “does not know why he loves me so much” (? what does that mean) the next he will walk through the room and refuse to even make eye contact. You can see the wheels spinning. He totally refuses to engage in any relationship with my children, you can see his disgust most of the time when he walks through the door. It feels as if he is just a occupant in our home, and as if he feels no sense of obligation there. He does things around the house, but it’s as if he is doing me a begruded favor, even the $200 a week he gave me to put towards “my bills” (as he calls them,i.e. mortgage, utilities and grocerys). He tells me things, like I wear the pants in the family, and other rude comments about me being manly, insinuating that I am in control. When the truth is, I reliquish even trying to have a say about most things, becasue discussion of any kind usually lead to a raging argument and either the silent treatment or as in the past him removing all of his things from the home and staying in a extended stay motel (he has done this three times)… The last time I almost refused him to come home and told him if he ever did it again it would be the last… So now, he stays but everything is so awkward…ALL THE TIME…. Me and my children are not comfortable in our home… He does not push his religion, it has never been an issue. It just seems that everything else is and issue. I feel unstable myself, becuase I never know where I stand…. and about that time he does something nice (albeit in an uncomitted way). I feel like I want to have a future, but I cannot trust him with my future. Everything seems very right now in the moment and could change in the blink of an eye…. I feel crazy and when I try to explain it I feel silly…. Hes good but hes bad… that makes no sense…. I ask, Is it me, maybe I am the problem,,, maybe I want to much… HELP!!!!!
Dear TT,
Your desire for a good future is not asking too much! “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11.
You don’t want too much, but it sounds like you’re trying to “do” too much. Are you taking on all the responsibility for making this relationship work? That will NOT improve your relationship but WILL make it worse (not to mention exhaust you in the process!)
Because of cultural and religious differences, your situation is made more difficult and I suggest you try to see a Christian counselor recommended by your church or talk to your pastor. When my marriage was at rock bottom, this choice made a BIG difference in ME! Take care of yourself and your children by growing stronger yourself. God’s Word holds answers that will encourage and strengthen you. Read the Bible every day. Spend quiet moments in prayer, meditating on the words that stand out to you.
If you’d like to learn more about my story, get a copy of The Beautiful Wife, and read chapter 8–Speaking Truth in Love. As I followed the advice I’m giving you, God strengthened me and eventually my marriage. Not all marriages survive these difficulties, but I can promise that YOU will be strengthened and begin to experience the good future your heart longs for.
Thank you for responding.